It's, like, impossible....

... that TV has a show THIS good. Seriously. I remember when I used to like Grey's Anatomy, but not even that or Heroes can compare to the love I have for Dirty Sexy Money.

But Trip wasn't so awesome in this episode. WHICH SHOWS HOW AMAZING AN ACTOR DONALD SUTHERLAND REALLY IS!!!!

In the latest episode, "The Bridge", it's the twins' 25th birthday, which means that they're being awarded $25 million each. To "help them get started" in life. Their first checkbook. Um, I better get some of that when I turn 25. The things I could do... the places I could travel...

Anyhoo.

Brian Jr. tells Mei Ling Hwa that Brian Sr. is his father and she freaks the eff out, announcing that she's made her choice and wants a divorce. Brian has a meltdown of his own, confides in Nick (!!), and eventually goes to Mei Ling Hwa for a second chance. She orders both father and son out of the house until she makes her decision. The two Brians go to live with Trip and Letitia in Brian Sr.'s old room. IT'S SO CUTE.

Karen wants Patrick to get Freddie into the exclusive club Patrick's a member of. When he refuses, Karen sweetly asks after his special friend (Carmelita)... "the one with the low voice and the eyeliner". WHAT A GOOD DELIVERY. Karen, I can't like you, I need to hate someone on this show. But God, you were so bomb in this episode. Natalie Zea, you're so cool. I want to be you when I grow up. Anyway, Patrick eventually brings Freddie into the club, and Freddie's welcomed warmly by two members who reminisce about some golf thing Freddie did in the past, yadda yadda, yawn.

Nick has a meeting with Simon Elder, who tells Nick (vaguely) about his past and the role Dutch played in it. Simon and Dutch were apparently good friends... and Simon implies that Trip probably had something to do with Dutch's plane going down. After a very insightful limo-ride, Simon leaves Nick with a "no-strings" option: go work for him and do all the charity work Nick wants to do (but can't, since he's babysitting the Darlings).

As for the twins, they are split over the Natalie Kimpton thing and therefore demand to hold their own birthday parties -- for $2 million... each. Juliet gets the house to hold hers, and Jeremy... gets the Brooklyn Bridge.

Yes, let me repeat that: the Brooklyn Bridge.

Juliet then learns from her friend, Astrid, that a pregnant Natalie had asked Astrid for a tampon the previous week at a club. Seems Natalie ain't so preggo no mo'. Jeremy confronts Natalie about it at his party and she admits that she'd thought she was pregnant, but when it turned out she wasn't she just kept up the story. Jeremy, heartbroken, tells her to stay away from him. And then proceeds to sing "All By Myself" on top of the bridge, a move that causes his party to be broken up by the cops.

Trip and Jeremy have a bit of a tiff over Jeremy being irresponsible with his life, for not being the kind of man Trip wants him to be. Nick tells Trip that he's not being fair to Jeremy, that Jeremy needs to live his own life. At the end of the episode, Jeremy apologizes to Trip and asks him for help in finding a job, which makes daddy so proud and Courtney all teary-eyed.

Letitia was in this episode somewhere, but she cheated on Trip (and therefore Donald Sutherland) for 40 years, so she doesn't count.

But it makes me wonder if the DNA reports show that it's not that one of the Darlings isn't hers, but that Nick may be a Darling....

Verrrrrrry interesting.

AND NOW I HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER 2 DAYS UNTIL THE NEXT EPISODE!!!!! Which I won't even see. Thanks a lot, Halloween. You ruined everything.

OH MY GAHD, WHY IS THIS SHOW SO GOOD?!

Mysterious deaths, red carpet cat fights, and kick-ass transsexuals -- OH MY!

This show really has everything. I almost wish I was a part of the Darling family, if only because the entertainment factor goes up exponentially when they're around.

Episode 3 of Dirty Sexy Money was really good. Just like episodes 1 and 2.

In this episode, the conflict to be dealt with is one that we've suddenly seen an increase of ever since Paris Hilton made it popular: a sex tape. Nick is charged by Darling family publicist Rebecca Colfax (who's as cutthroat and hilarious as anything) to pay the man ONE MILLION DOLLARS (Austin Powers...? Anyone? No? Darn) who has the tape of Karen with her fianceé's caddy and is threatening to release it onto the internet.

That, and Nick goes to the police with the collection of all of the dealings (legal and illegal) of Simon Elder, which had been in his father's briefcase the day he died. Nick believes that Elder was definitely involved with his father's death. Despite Tripp (♥)'s warnings that the police won't be of any help, the police indeed prove to be useless (quelle surprise), as no one wants to tackle the world's richest man. Tripp pleads with Nick to let him help, but Nick isn't entirely sure that Tripp had nothing to do with the death, either.

Jeremy is going to find himself in hot water soon, involved in a relationship with twin sister's former best friend and now hated rival, Natalie Kimpton. Juliet feels (with her "twintuition") that something is up with her brother, despite his vehement denials. It culminates in a showdown between Juliet and Natalie on the red carpet the night of her brother's senate campaign kick-off. Jeremy sides with his sister in front of all the press, much to Natalie's chagrin, but he makes it up to her by giving her a diamond necklace.

Speaking of Patrick, he made me fume when he broke up with Carmelita, the transgendered woman he's been seeing. She stands up for herself and makes quite an exit. You go, girl! But Patrick laments the loss of her to Nick during a limo ride. ("She made me 30 pairs of underwear with my favorite Yankees on the butts... That's love. What kind of jerk throws that away?")

::melts::

Patrick kicks off his campaign by ending his speech with an epitaph of Nick's, "Tomorrow is another day, of opportunity, of chance." AND THEN HE GETS BACK TOGETHER WITH CARMELITA!!!!

Speaking of:

THAT'S HER!!! Isn't she absolutely gorgeous?! Her name is Candis Cayne, and she's just beautiful. And a great actress, if Dirty Sexy Money is anything to go by. I actually got into a fight on IMDB's message board about her with some Bible-thumping bitch who kept saying that the child Candis and her husband adopted is going to grow up depraved, because Candis isn't a real woman and God hates her.

You can imagine my retort. Just let me say that it was good.

So, back to the sex tape debacle: Nick goes to pay off the man for the sex tape with the million he got from one of the family's MANY vaults full of money, but the man's girlfriend explains that someone made a better offer -- three million. She doesn't know who bought it. It turns out, at the end of the episode, that SIMON ELDER (gasp) bought it, but one of Elder's lackies gives it to Nick with all legal documents and copies.

The lacky warns Nick: "He's not the man you think he is, and neither is your boss."

DUM DUM DUUUUUUM!!!!!

Next episode? LISA GEORGE FINALLY TELLS OFF KAREN! That's right, Karen! You're annoying and Nick doesn't love you anymore. SO BEAT IT!

Move Over, Alan Rickman...

... Because I have a new old man crush!

AN OPEN LETTER TO DONALD SUTHERLAND

Dear Mr. Sutherland,

Why must you insist on being so amazing? I mean, really. You're making other actors feel bad about themselves.

I was clued in to your absolute greatness when I first saw you as Professor Jennings, the pothead professor, in National Lampoon's Animal House. Only you could make smoking pot look cool. And then you made me want to turn to a life of crime after watching Outbreak, because evil-ass corrupt military heroes never looked so good. And then as the kind-hearted Mr. Bennett in the remake of Pride & Prejudice. I then thought to myself, "okay, this man knows what's what."

Um. Yeah. And then along came Tripp.

I'm pretty sure Dirty Sexy Money would burn down without you. Sure, all the actors and actresses more than hold their weight. But let's be realistic: no one has the confidence, the skill, or the experience that you do. I can't imagine anyone else playing the role of Tripp Darling... every time I do, I wake up two days later, bleeding out my ears.

It's not just your confidence, which you exude with a very subtle grace, but it's how laid-back you are. You the character you play. In many new shows, it takes actors and actresses to really tap into their character, to know who exactly they're supposed to be. With you, you were Tripp from the first words you spoke. I'm so totally convinced that you're Tripp Darling that I expect to see you flying one of Tripp's many airplanes or buying some multi-billion dollar hotel or something. I walk away from every episode going, "damn. Now that's acting."

I hope you're taking notes, Lindsay Lohan. Or better yet, don't. This girl doesn't want to see you gracing any silver screens in the near future.

Oh, Donald (may I call you Donald?). If only you weren't old enough to be my grandfather. If only you and I lived within walking range. If only you didn't have a son (old enough to be my father) who could kill me with a napkin or his car during one of his drunk-driving stints.

Our love is forbidden. You'll have to settle for a gift basket.

Or this letter, as I don't know your address and 4-1-1 won't give it to me.


Faithfully yours,
R.C.