The Stupid is Catching!

Gray wolves are no longer endangered! It's been a long battle, beginning in 1973 when the Federal Endangered Species Act listed them as, well, endangered. But finally, 36 years later, they're in the clear!

Except big hunts are already in the works.

Why are we so hell-bent on trying to perpetuate the stereotype of stupid people in groups?

Do they not have anything better to do in Idaho and Wyoming than to hunt animals that have just clawed their way out of a red zone? So what if they're eating your livestock! It's what they do! And believe you me, they were here long before we were.

"Hey guys, we've just saved an entire species from possible extinction!"
"Great! Now let's kill them all!"

You want to know why we haven't found intelligent life beyond this planet? Because nobody would be caught dead with us.

How-to Guide to Being Sick

It's been a while since I've posted instructions on how to live your life, so today (while I'm dying, quarantined in my house) I thought I might post a list of steps in order to survive being sick.

HOW TO BE SICK
A comprehensive check-list


1. When you wake up, it feels like you're two seconds away from total Armageddon.

This is completely normal, and no, the four horsemen that you see before you AREN'T the guys you keep hearing Pat Robertson blather about. You actually shouldn't see any horsemen. If you do, you're probably not sick but rather having a bad acid trip.

Hallucinations aside, if you feel like total and complete shit, then chances are you've become a carrier. Or is that too zombie-virus-ish?


2. Check your symptoms.

There are certain symptoms pertaining to certain illnesses. Let's break it down so you won't have to run to WebMD for a half-assed diagnosis. You can do it all on your own!

- The Flu: chills, sore throat, fever, headache, weakness, exhaustion, aches

- Pneumonia: phlegmy cough (yellow or green), high fever, chills, shortness of breath, vomiting, blueness of the skin

- The Common Cold: sore throat, runny nose, nasal congestion, sneezing and coughing, malaise

** Do not be alarmed. Just because you have the symptoms of pneumonia doesn't mean you have it. You could be showing initial signs of ebola!


3. You're not going to show any signs of intelligence until you start feeling better, so call out of work or school.

You're going to be useless most of the day. Get into some sweats or something as equally comfortable. Put down the Blackberry and the bookbag.


4. Break out the Disney movies.***

I once had a teacher who seriously believed that Disney was gearing up to take over the world. Whether that's true or not, Disney movies always make people happy (crowd control?). And that's something you need when you're sick.

I, myself, go from The Little Mermaid all the way down to the present, usually ending with The Emperor's New Groove. Pocahontas is always good around mid-day.


5. DON'T DRINK MILK!!

This is always a tough one for me, since I drink about 6 or 7 thousand glasses of milk a day. However milk isn't the drink to have when you're sick (especially if you've got a case of the runs). Drink water or juice. No alcohol. Don't want to add a hangover to the equation!


6. Eat little, but often.

Unless you're throwing up. Then just put the fork down and go lie down.


7. Sleep. Shower. Solitude.

Try and get a nap in. And a shower. You'll feel better for it. And quarantine yourself somewhere, because nobody wants your sick ass anywhere near them. People saw 28 Days Later. They know what happens.


And there you have it! Now, these steps don't have to be followed in any particular order, but do try and get at least 6 Disney movies in. By tomorrow, you'll probably still feel like shit, but you'll be in a haze of Disney euphoria so you won't care.


*** Breaking out into song is not a symptom.

It's the most horrible time of the year.

As sure as the sun will rise and as sure as someone's going to rehab, the end of this semester is drawing nigh!

A good portion of this blog's readers (count: 3) are college students, or at least have friends/relatives that are, and they're probably beginning to stress. There are finals to study for, all-nighters, big papers to write. Red Bull's stock usually sky-rockets around this time.

However, every student can easily be distracted, as they are vulnerable and their attention spans drop to that of a sock.

Here are some ways to survive the next two weeks:

1. Make a list. Not like your Santa lists, unless swearing gets you going. List all the things you need to get done, ranging them from most important/time-consuming to least. And check off the things you do finish.

2. Strategize: Plan so that one subject doesn't take time away from another. If you have two papers to write before the end and one is due before another, don't invest ALL your time into the first one. Be sure to outline the second one and keep thinking about it.

3. For the love of all things good in this world (cake, Sean Biggerstaff, books by Terry Pratchett), get the fuck off of Facebook. Even the most well-meaning student can sit down with every intention of writing a paper and instead find themselves on Facebook with five other windows open, not entirely sure how it happened. Do yourself a favor: stay off of Facebook, stay off of AIM (or at least put up an away message that says you can only be bothered if someone's bleeding out their eyes or if the meadow is on fire), and don't text anybody. This is homework time.

4. Start early. The earlier start you get, the more time you'll have to laugh at everyone else for slacking. And believe me, there's no other ego-boost like it.

5. Metabolize! Eat snacks while you work to keep your energy up. Celery, carrots, cookie dough (or, well, don't)... Don't eat anything too sugary or you'll crash and find yourself watching a marathon of Project Runway. Not that I know from experience.

6. Don't be afraid to ask teachers or tutors for help. Too brain-dead to think of your own ideas? Need a kick in the right direction? That's what they're there for! And they usually get paid; teachers and tutors like to see this kind of proactive shit.

7. Take short breaks. NOW you can hit Facebook or Youtube, but limit your time to about 10 minutes or less. Don't get caught up adding stupid applications so you can make Christmas trees or commenting on EVERY picture someone tagged you in. Not only are you procrastinating, but you're being obnoxious.

8. Be proud of yourself! If you've managed to accomplish one of these things, then there's no stopping you! ... Unless, you know, you get hit by a mack truck or something, but why the hell would you be playing on the highway in the first place?

And remember! R.C. loves you. Sorta.