The Stupid is Catching!

Gray wolves are no longer endangered! It's been a long battle, beginning in 1973 when the Federal Endangered Species Act listed them as, well, endangered. But finally, 36 years later, they're in the clear!

Except big hunts are already in the works.

Why are we so hell-bent on trying to perpetuate the stereotype of stupid people in groups?

Do they not have anything better to do in Idaho and Wyoming than to hunt animals that have just clawed their way out of a red zone? So what if they're eating your livestock! It's what they do! And believe you me, they were here long before we were.

"Hey guys, we've just saved an entire species from possible extinction!"
"Great! Now let's kill them all!"

You want to know why we haven't found intelligent life beyond this planet? Because nobody would be caught dead with us.

How-to Guide to Being Sick

It's been a while since I've posted instructions on how to live your life, so today (while I'm dying, quarantined in my house) I thought I might post a list of steps in order to survive being sick.

HOW TO BE SICK
A comprehensive check-list


1. When you wake up, it feels like you're two seconds away from total Armageddon.

This is completely normal, and no, the four horsemen that you see before you AREN'T the guys you keep hearing Pat Robertson blather about. You actually shouldn't see any horsemen. If you do, you're probably not sick but rather having a bad acid trip.

Hallucinations aside, if you feel like total and complete shit, then chances are you've become a carrier. Or is that too zombie-virus-ish?


2. Check your symptoms.

There are certain symptoms pertaining to certain illnesses. Let's break it down so you won't have to run to WebMD for a half-assed diagnosis. You can do it all on your own!

- The Flu: chills, sore throat, fever, headache, weakness, exhaustion, aches

- Pneumonia: phlegmy cough (yellow or green), high fever, chills, shortness of breath, vomiting, blueness of the skin

- The Common Cold: sore throat, runny nose, nasal congestion, sneezing and coughing, malaise

** Do not be alarmed. Just because you have the symptoms of pneumonia doesn't mean you have it. You could be showing initial signs of ebola!


3. You're not going to show any signs of intelligence until you start feeling better, so call out of work or school.

You're going to be useless most of the day. Get into some sweats or something as equally comfortable. Put down the Blackberry and the bookbag.


4. Break out the Disney movies.***

I once had a teacher who seriously believed that Disney was gearing up to take over the world. Whether that's true or not, Disney movies always make people happy (crowd control?). And that's something you need when you're sick.

I, myself, go from The Little Mermaid all the way down to the present, usually ending with The Emperor's New Groove. Pocahontas is always good around mid-day.


5. DON'T DRINK MILK!!

This is always a tough one for me, since I drink about 6 or 7 thousand glasses of milk a day. However milk isn't the drink to have when you're sick (especially if you've got a case of the runs). Drink water or juice. No alcohol. Don't want to add a hangover to the equation!


6. Eat little, but often.

Unless you're throwing up. Then just put the fork down and go lie down.


7. Sleep. Shower. Solitude.

Try and get a nap in. And a shower. You'll feel better for it. And quarantine yourself somewhere, because nobody wants your sick ass anywhere near them. People saw 28 Days Later. They know what happens.


And there you have it! Now, these steps don't have to be followed in any particular order, but do try and get at least 6 Disney movies in. By tomorrow, you'll probably still feel like shit, but you'll be in a haze of Disney euphoria so you won't care.


*** Breaking out into song is not a symptom.

UGG.

Funny how the name of the boot is synonymous with a sound that conveys disgust.

You see them on the streets, in store windows, on the feet of girls ages 12-23. UGG boots are the new fashion phenomenon sweeping the nation. They are the ubiquitous suede boot lined on the inside with sheep's wool or whateverthefuck it is, coming in an assortment of colors and heights. They can't be worn in the rain or snow, but they can be yours for a bargain at $130!

I think "UGG" means "the end of fashion as we know it".

Those stupid boots drive me crazy. Not because they're warm, not because they're shapeless and tacky as all hell, and not because of the price, but because EVERYONE'S wearing them. When I say everyone, I mean it. My mother has been searching high and low for a pair of UGGs, but no store carries them because they've been on backorder since October. It's now March. Still backordered.

Did I miss something? Did the boat leave and was I just not on it? Did I not get the memo?

What makes these boots so special?

Answer: NOTHING.

UGG boots are stealing the individuality of girls all across the country. They're taking away the freedom to express one's own style. You know how I know this? Because every girl I see now looks the same: they all sport a simple top and sweatpants or jeans, which are tucked into a pair of UGGs. All of them. ALL OF THEM!

These days, having UGGs makes you automatically cool, and that just doesn't fly with me. They've become this status symbol in our society. But not only that, people who don't like UGGs are starting to stereotype the girls who are wearing them, and THAT doesn't fly with me either. These boots are nothing but trouble.

Girls, you aren't Eskimos! And you're not Aborigines! And why the hell are these boots from Australia, anyway? It's a million and one degrees down there! Who wears wool-lined boots in that kind of heat?

Take back your individuality. It won't make you any less cool to wear a pair of sneakers, or flats, or a shirt that says "I Slept With Spongebob" (I own that shirt). Be free to make your own statement.

That goes for you Croc-wearing SOBs. I don't care how comfortable they are, you look like dumb asses.