Hollywood Needs a Shot of Originality, Part II

Matt Reeves (Cloverfield) is remaking Tomas Alfredson's hit, Let The Right One In. You know, the Swedish vampire film that came out LAST YEAR?

This is ridiculous. Is nothing safe? Is nothing sacred?

IS THERE NO INTEGRITY LEFT AMONG HOLLYWOOD'S DIRECTORS?

Discuss.


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Hollywood Needs a Shot of Originality

I've been working up to this for a long time, ever since I started keeping a tally on all of the announcements on Oh No They Didn't. A very long time. When The Fugitive was one of them, I could feel myself boiling over. And then The Neverending Story joined the list and I exploded all over the fucking walls.

About five minutes ago, I compiled a list of remakes, sequels, and adaptations that just SHOULDN'T HAPPEN. I understand that some movies need to be remade because they were so horrible the first time, but seriously? Can't we let masterpieces be?

The answer is, of course, no. Because Hollywood is run by a bunch of pansies who are too afraid to try something new, so they enlist writers (and they're all a bunch of sell-outs for going along with this) to make "reboots" of franchises with nary a care for respecting some of the movies they're murdering remaking.

For those who are protesting my words because they loved the remake of The Amityville Horror just so fucking much, let me ask you: would you remake The Fugitive, nominated for an Oscar for Best Picture and winner of Best Actor (Tommy Lee Jones, 1993)? I'm hoping your answer is no. What about My Fair Lady, Audrey Hepburn's most famous film and winner of 8 Oscars including Best Picture and Director? How about the Japanese fan-favorite, Battle Royale?

Well, guess what? They're ALL being remade! Mm, makes you die a little inside, doesn't it?

It's not just remakes, either. As I'm sure you've noticed, they're churning out sequels and adaptations faster than I can type this rant. Remember when everyone went up in arms about the Donnie Darko sequel, S. Darko? They didn't stop there. You can add Tron 2 and Monsters Inc. 2 to that list. Yes, that's right. Pixar's jumping on the sequel-making bandwagon, although you can expect cinematic gold from them (Toy Story 2 was a hit and possibly better than the first one, but will Toy Story 3, due out in 2010, be as good?).

Video Games, classic novels, and old TV shows have been adapted for the big screen ever since Ang Lee had the brilliant idea to take The Incredible Hulk and turn it into suck. This was soon followed by video game adaptations of Hitman, Street Fighter, and the upcoming Tekken. For those fans of Jane Austen's work and have enjoyed the adaptations of Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, and Emma, I'm sure you'll be thrilled to hear that an adaptation of Pride and Prejudice is being made... with the Predator aliens. No, you read that right.

There are some adaptations I'm looking forward to, such as Max Brooks's World War Z, but there are some things that should stay as they are. Like, Twilight. Should it have been made into a movie? Absolutely not. A shitty book series can only beget shitty movies.

But Hollywood doesn't even seem to be trying anymore. It's as if all of the good ideas stopped as soon as 1997 came and went. The 1970's were prime and produced some of the best movies ever made. But the 2000s have only proven that Old Hollywood is over and this new commercialized Hollywood will only kill movies as we know it.

Look at the new Dragonball movie and tell me I'm wrong.

So, I think it's time for a whole new generation of writers to set things straight. More studios need to pick up indie films to balance out the shit that is being thrust into the theaters. It's all about money now, not the art.

Hollywood needs a shot of originality; someone get me a syringe.

Remakes (Recent and Upcoming):
- The Neverending Story
- The Fugitive
- My Fair Lady
- A Nightmare on Elm Street
- Hellraiser
- Total Recall
- Clue
- The Last House on the Left
- Battle Royale
- Race to Witch Mountain
- Wolfman
- Day of the Triffids

Upcoming Sequels:
- Scream 4
- Cloverfield 2
- Monsters Inc. 2
- Toy Story 3
- Little Fockers
- Tron 2
- Donnie Darko 2 (S. Darko)

Adaptations
- Pride and Predator (I seriously am not kidding)
- Dragonball
- Tekken
- Avatar: The Last Airbender
- Blood: The Last Vampire
- Halloween 2
- The A-Team

Sources:
The Neverending Story remake
The Fugitive remake

Twilight: Coldly calculated to pander to *your* shrieking demographic

AHHHH! DO NOT WANT. D:

It was brought to my attention today in Classics II, during a discussion about why Teri Hatcher should be cast as Sin in any adaptation of Paradise Lost, that I should make a blog and rant about the ubiquitous "Twilight" series.

Ten steps ahead of you.

"Twilight" came to my attention in 2006, when the "Harry Potter" series was close to ending and I was looking for something to read that would satisfy my inner twelve-year old. Some friends of mine told me that they were reading this great book series about vampires and I should really check it out. So, forgetting that some of these people thought "X-Men 3" was cinematic gold, I went out and bought the first book. Because I am an idiot.

I got to page 60 before throwing it across the room. And promptly bringing it back to Barnes and Noble. Where the clerk on duty and I subsequently burned it behind the store. True story.

This series proves that publishing houses will do ANYTHING for a dollar, up to and including putting out a series that not only gives teenage girls the impression that guys are really like that, but also takes the English language and SETS IT ON FIRE.

Have all the other writers died? Is that what this is? There's no one left, so we have to publish the drivel that's still lying around?

"Twilight" is about an annoying girl named Bella (of course) and the teenage vampire with whom she falls in love. During the span of four books, we have a virgin vampire (which is an oxymoron, because all vamps are giant sluts) that can walk around IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, crazy vampire enemies, werewolves (because why the hell not?), love triangles, a hellspawn, and a white wedding.

Also during the four books, we have a main character who sets the Women's Movement back about 75 years, a vapid love interest I would stake in a heartbeat, another love interest whose presence I frankly can't understand, a plot so convoluted that I stopped reading and had to put my head between my knees and wait for the braincells to regenerate, and an author in need of an afternoon of electroshock.

For those of you playing the home game, Twilight is brought to you by Stephanie Meyer, crazy Mormon extraordinaire. Hell, that she's a Mormon is purely incidental in this case! But the fact that she's crazy remains a FACT. She's 27, still lives with her parents, and is the biggest child I've ever seen. Everything she says and does makes me seriously wonder if she's ever left the comfort of her mall-goth bedroom and gone outside.

** On one memorable occasion, a fan asked Ms. Meyer if Edward (the vapid virgin vamp) goes a bit stir-crazy whenever Bella gets her period. Because blood is the ONLY source of sustenance for a vampire, and Bella is his twu wuv. I, personally, think it's a very valid question. And Ms. Meyer's response?

"Eww! That is so gross! I can't believe you'd ask me that! You should probably leave."

What kind of CHILD shuts down a fan like that?**

And the fans of these books are INSANE. It pains me to admit that my sister is one of them, proving that I have not only failed in my duties as an older sister, but also as a future English teacher. Has anyone ever tried talking to a "Twilight" fan? My best friend's sister is a HUGE fan and every time she talks to me about Edward Cullen, all I can think is, "Fuck. I don't have enough breadcrumbs to get home."

And desecrating the written word wasn't enough, but they had to go and make a movie adaptation. My best friend saw it and said that if they'd muted the whole thing, it would've been good. And they got the most unpleasant, blank-eyed potheads to play the leading roles. Way to go, Goldcrest Pictures.

Unfortunately, as it has been made clear to me, I am in the minority when it comes to hating these books. Maybe 1 out of 10 people are rational individuals who understand where I'm coming from. The other 9 watch "Lord of the Rings" as if it were a documentary.

I'm not entirely sure how to end this rant, because trying to wrap my mind around the success of this series normally causes blood to shoot out my nose. But understand that I've been writing all of my life. I was a creative writing major for two years, studying under some of the best writing professors the country has to offer. I'm a semester away from doing my student-teaching in England, and I have a 3.8 GPA. I'd like to think I know what bad literature looks like.

And from here? It looks like "Twilight".

http://shinga.deviantart.com/art/Head-Trip-Twilight-Sucks-85504254

Celebrity, and why that word is stupid

Once upon a time, yours truly went to NYC to see Suddenly Last Summer, starring Blythe Danner, Gale Harold, and Carla Gugino. The play wasn't good, but my friends and I waited at the stage door nonetheless to catch a glimpse of the actors.

It was cold, rainy, and I could feel it rattling in my lungs, but no one else seemed to pay heed to the weather conditions. They clamored to get as close to the barrier rope as possible, all of them praying for the chance to see Gale Harold, who eventually emerged in an unfashionable ensemble that I mentally picked apart, just as I would anyone else.

I, too, went up, mostly because he and I had the same hat. And while the other girls cooed and tittered over him, we struck up a short, normal conversation full of sarcasm but graciousness. I was pleasant, so was he, and that was that.

My friends forbade me to ever talk to another celebrity again because I "did it wrong".

I've thought long and hard about this. My feelings haven't changed. Sure, I have my celebrity crushes (Nathan, Sean, Cate, and David Tennant), but I recognize these people as simply that: people.

Acting isn't what it used to be. Back when Hollywood was emerging, acting was about the art. It was about emotion, passion, pushing your body to its absolute limit so it might show up on the brand new Technicolor film. It was Marlon Brando, screaming in the streets. It was Anne Bancroft, a goddess seducing a teenager. It was Fred and Ginger, dancing on pockets of romance and night. These actors and actresses were humble, genuine, and unafraid to take risks.

Now, it's a status symbol. One celebrity can shut down an entire terminal of an airport upon arrival. Malls close for them. Normal, everyday people trip over themselves just to see them, will spend absorbent amounts of money to meet them.

Doesn't anyone realize that acting is simply a job for these celebrities? That's what it all comes down to, at least for me. This is their job, their occupation. Their job is to entertain, just as it's your co-worker's job to make sure there are cover sheets on your TPS reports, just as it's your boss's job to keep you in line and make sure you're not wanking to internet porn during company hours. But you don't see paparazzi lining the elevator when your superior comes into work in the morning, nor do you see restaurants and department stores giving things away for free just because your neighbor, the accountant; the teacher; the cashier walked through the door. Acting is their job -- granted, it's one of the coolest jobs to have, but it's still a job.

I don't go crazy over celebrities because they're regular people. So the next time you see Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie walking down the street together, leave them alone. You don't harass other complete strangers for living their lives. Extend celebrities the same courtesy.

It's just a job, people. Just a job.

Cars, Skulls, and Lions -- Oh My!

So, I thought about going to see Speed Racer this weekend, but I was able to watch the first 8 minutes of the movie online and decided to skip it before I became any closer to having a seizure. It was like they let loose 100 six-year olds onto the set with crayons and paint, and told them to go wild.

My eyes...


Anyway, I've been reading some of the reviews for the upcoming Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and sadly it's not looking good. Some of the reviews make me want to cry, others aren't quite as bad... although they're not good. But since I've had the Indy theme as my ringtone for the last 3 years, the least I can do is ignore Shia LaBouf, squeal over Cate Blanchett's German accent, and form my own opinions on the film.


Remember: May 16th. Prince Caspian. I have half a mind to write to the Disney marketing people about the billboards of Ben Barnes I see when I'm driving. Do you know how distracting they are? I look up, see him, start to drool, and lose control of the car. People have nearly died so the movie can get good publicity. Not cool, Disney. Not cool.

But, er, can I have one of those billboards when you're done? I mean, if you've finished using it and all...


::dies::